Friday, October 13, 2006

Former Eagle Stricken with PFLB

I'd like to take a moment to address a serious issue afflicting many Americans: polyflabitis. This has recently hit home to many Eagles fans when former Eagles DT Corey Simon recently revealed that he too suffers from this deadly malaise. The story, exposed by the Philadelphia Daily News' Paul Domowitch, shifts the blame for Corey's absence from the Indianapolis Colts away from his gimpy knee to this deadly disease.

Just what is polyflabitis? It is the technical term for fat, lazy bastard (as shared with me by Parkwood) and is evidently a latent gene carried by many of us.
A visual comparison reveals the extent of the damage:

This is Corey in Philly
This is Corey after catching PFLB

One might notice the explosion of flab around the belly and ass - classic evidence of PLFB.
While PFLB afflicts many Americans, it is particularly virulent when combined with highly paid athletes...Apparently, when those who carry the PFLB gene sign a mega-bucks contract, it triggers an auto-immune response to cope with the new weightiness of the players' wallet, which most commonly results in swelling of the person-in-question's buttocks.
Corey became susceptible, as do many professional athletes, after signing a six-year, $30-million dollar contract with the Indianapolis Colts in August 2005, following a dispute with the Eagles over appropriate compensation....Observers remarked at the time Simon reported to camp that it would take a while for Simon to work into playing shape to help the Colts' run defense because it appeared that Corey had spent more time hitting the chips than the weights. (evidently preparing for a post-NFL career in competitive eating).
PFLB set in during a year in which Simon put the mass is amassing statistics...which for the record include a distinctly unimpressive 25 tackles and NO sacks (after averaging over 30 tackles and 6 sacks per year with the Eagles).
The disease has progressed to the point that Simon apparently has lost interest in making money....oh wait...he's already collected about $14 of the $30 million from the apparently he lost intererst in working to collect his money...I mean, honestly, why bother...he signed a six year contract, and collected almost half in one year....doesn't that make the working hard for the last FIVE years to collect nearly the same amount just seem, well, lame?

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