You May be Taliban IF....

"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF..."

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You've ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."
10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least Two.
11. You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.
12. You've ever had a crush on your neighbor's goat.

Math Through the Decades

Math 1950-2007
Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this?

Answer: Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950

1. Teaching Math In 1950
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
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2. Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
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3. Teaching Math In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
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4. Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
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5. Teaching Math In 1990
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a
profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers. )
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6. Teaching Math In 2007
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

A Simple Explanation of America's Two Current Political Parties

A woman in a hot air balloon realizes she is lost. She lowers her altitude and spots a man fishing from a boat below.

She shouts to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consults his portable GPS and replies, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolls her eyes and says, "You must be a Republican!"

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answers the balloonist, "everything you tell me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you're not much help to me."

The man smiles and responds, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replies the balloonist. "How did you know ?"

"Well," says the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault."

So you think its Easy to get a Driver's License in Hawaii? Think again, check this test out!

I dunno how many of you out there speak pidgin, but its sorta
the official language of 'da islands'


HAWAIIAN DRIVERS LICENSE APPLICATION

Please try fo complete dis as bes as you can.
You get 30 days for pau.

Las name: _________________________________________
[If your las name no fit, continue on da other
side da page.]

First name:
[ ] Junior
[ ] Junior Boy
[ ] J.B. (short for Jr. Boy)
[ ] Honey Girl
[ ] Tita
[ ] Sista
[ ] Bradda
[ ] Sista-Girl

What year you wen grad: ____ (if unsure, try guess)

Sex: [ ]M [ ]F [ ]Mahu [ ]None

Slippa size: ____ Left ____ Right

Weight:
[ ] Small kine
[ ] Mejum
[ ] Small kine big
[ ] Momona

Eyes:
[ ] Blind as one bat
[ ] Bad, but not dat bad
[ ] She go!
[ ] Black and Blue

Occupation:
[ ] Construction worka
[ ] Sanitation Engineea
[ ] Surfa
[ ] Lei greeta
[ ] Waitress
[ ] Strippa
[ ] Un-employed
[ ] Bishop Estate Trustee

Spouse's Name: ______________________________

2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________

3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________

Lover's Name: _______________________________

2nd Lover's Name: ___________________________

Nationality:
[ ] Hawaiian
[ ] Popolo
[ ] Japanee
[ ] Filipino
[ ] Haole
[ ] Portagee if yes; explain why:
[ ] Pake if yes; explain why:
[ ] All da above

Numba of children living in household: ______

Numba of children living in your
household das not yours: _____

Numba of children thats buming off
you das over 23 years old: _______

Mother's Name: ___________(Relation__________)
Father's Name: ___________(Relation__________)

Edumacation: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

If you obtained one higha yea school what was your maja?
[ ] 5th grade
[ ] 6th grade
Maja _______________________

Cawheelas you own and where dey stay:________________

___ Total number of cawheelas you own
___ Numba of cawheelas that still crank ova
___ Numba of cawheelas wit rust
___ Numba of cawheelas no mo rust
___ Numba of cawheelas on cement blocks
___ Numba of cawheelas stay held together with duct tape.

Age you started fo drive ______
(If over 10 slow learner?) [ ]Yes [ ]No

Do you have a surf rack? [ ] Yes [ ] No;
If no, try explain:

Color of teeth:
[ ] Yellow
[ ] Brownish-Yellow
[ ] Brown
[ ] Black
[ ] N/A

How far is your home from a paved road?
[ ] 1 miles
[ ] 2 miles
[ ] don't know

Distance between you and da beach? ______

Do you live on beach front property
but don' own a house or da land?
___ Yes Try explain:

How many times have you gotten away with
a DUI this year because you was
related to da policeman? ____

How much pakalolo do you smoke a day?
[ ] 1 joint [ ] 2 joints
[ ] would smoke but cost more den gold.

How much beer do you drink a day?
[ ] 6 pack [ ] 12 pack [ ] 18 pack [ ] case

How do you know that you had too much to drink?
[ ] You fall out da car when da policeman opens da ca door.
[ ] Da keg is empty.
[ ] You Haole but your eyes look like de from one Japanese.
[ ] Last time you went bathroom da toilet wen ovahflo.
[ ] All of the above.

You tired walk and carry your surfboard
all da way back and forth every day?
___ Yes

You like get one wallet so you can put
da driver license inside for impress your friends?
___ Yes ___ No ___ Always

You promise fo drive straight and smile to all
da ada drivers and no fool around and make
funny kine in da car?
___ Yes ___ No ___ Why

Sign Hea:____________________________

Slow Day, So here's a joke

If only this were true....
Bill Gates once said a few years ago "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.